By: Jayson Gaddis

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#1: our backgrounds determine how we approach conflicts

• fighting back in many cases doesn't resolve conflicts
• merely apologizing to the other person doesn't solve the problem either

#2: understanding the meaning of conflicts

• one leading cause of conflict is a threat to a person's emotional and physical health, safety, values and identity.
• when this happens people tend to fight back or avoid the group or person causing an argument
• the concept of the scared animal in conflict
  • this is the protective part of ourselves that emerges when we feel threatened in personal relationship
  • this is like a dog that sees a strange animal and becomes defensive and afraid, assuming an attack pose ready to charge forward
  • this can make us do things we never intended
  • we have 4 disconnectors
    • Posture: blaming others while protection ourselves from perceived harm
    • Collapse: blaming yourself for everything, and feel like everything happened because it our fault. we shut ourselves down and feel hopeless and depressed
    • seek: reaching out to the other person post conflict to reconnect with them, because you feel anxious about loosing them, but this is seen as an act of desperation and low self esteem. this is not a bad thing, just don't do it in a way that pushes the other person away
    • avoid: avoiding the person or conflict

#3: take responsibility when conflicts happen

• one party cant take the sole blame when conflicts happen
• no matter how victimized you think you are, learn to take responsibility and at least get out of the conflict
• Communication is essential to interpersonal relationships don't sleep on it
• avoiding conflicts is not the answer
• in most conflicts there is the
  • Victim
  • Villain
  • Rescuer
• be sure to pick your rescuer wisely as they can help or add more problems to the conflict